Ahrimeldar
by Lord Danaelus
Summary: This is my biggest story. It's big, it's bad and if you love Elmo do not read it.
1. Chapter 1

Ahriman & Eldrad's Booth of punishfulment that they fufil, alot. (Do not review this story badly or I will punish you!)

Ahriman was just playing chess with Magnus the Red when Lord Macragge came in with a baseball bat and beat Ahriman over the head, VERY HARD. He was knocked out instantaneously. Magnus ran away very fast (that's why he got turned into a Daemon prince, because they thought he could use a CONFIDENCE BOOST.)

When Ahriman woke up, he was sitting on a chair with Eldrad Ulthran, whom was mistaken for Drazhar and was also VISCIOUSLY beaten over the head with a baseball bat by none other than the lovely little CAPTAIN SHRIKE! they at once made a mental alleigence and formed the irrepresible "soopuh doopar frendses" Super Friends got their name from here.

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THEIR CODE IS AS FOLLOWS:

(1: No cartoon from here on in shalt bear moral, literal or historical errors, therefore becoming fit to be viewed by the next generation of lifeforms.

(2: Grammar from Orks is no longer acceptable and all creatures speaking improperly will be executed. (bad eg. Demz bugs tryina push uz off our turf? Wake up ladz, it's time for sum stompin!)

Corrective speaking (good eg. Are those Insects attempting to remove us from our land. Please awaken lads. It is the time for some heavy-treading.)

(3: Any act that is scientifically unproven and/or goes against the laws of physics shall be frowned upon by all righteousdoers.

copyright (c) 40,001 Ahrimeldar corporation. All rights reserved.

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FIRST SUBMISSION:

A mysterious figure about 7'2" clunked past the SDF booth and submitted a form to the 'righteous' duo. The very next morning Ahriman and Eldrad came back to the hideout from Japan with a wiggling sack, they emptied it's contents onto a chair and quickly restrained SONIC the HEDGEHOG.

"Okay Eldrad, I will leave you with the accused." Ahriman then left the room and closed the door behind his back. "Okay 'Sonic'." Eldrad started.

"You have committed many, many hanus crimes." Ahriman watched the interrogation from behind the one-way glass. "Name One, Punk!" replied Sonic. "Monitor your mouth, fool!" Snapped Eldrad

"Why don't you just say 'watch your mouth'?" asked Sonic.

Eldrad circled Sonic as he toyed with the rune around his neck. The light bulb, dusty and cobwebbed, dangled from the musty ceiling, slightly swinging. Eldrad wandered behind sonic and THUK, slammed his hands down onto the back of the chair and boomed "**BECAUSE UNLESS YOU HAVE EYES IN YOUR MOUTH, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN!"**

"Whoa, dude chill OUT." Sonic said calmly

Eldrad replied "I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Doood!"

"Anyway, I'll start with the least. How fast _can_ you run, Sonic?

"Uuuur... about 175 m/ph."

"You **_SICKEN_** me BOY. How can you retain a name for yourself if you can barely run at subsonic speed, let alone sonic speed. what else?.. Oh yeah, You are a blue FREAKING hedgehog that wears shoes!

Eldrad sat over on a chair and rested his head in one hand. Ahriman came in and reassured Eldrad. "Here my cohort, receive some much needed rest. Ahriman stepped over to sonic. "You have breached Laws 1,2 and 3 of our code and now will be punished." He lifted his weapon up into Sonic's eye. He couldn't see right up anything. "Sonic the hedgehog: Your life, now belongs to me. prepare to perish... scum.

Next chapter, Errrrr...

hope you enjoyed it. Review constructively

Any copyrights in this story are false and should not be taken seriously by any individual. Not even you, Dermot. By the way, Print out the page and cut out the rules.


	2. yes, more foolery

The Annoying one.

Eldrad looked back at the SDF headquarters as it crumbled to the ground in a fury of blood and fire.

"That used to be our home."

"No, it wasn't." Ahriman said, spoiling the moment.

"Ahriman."

"Yes, Eldrad."

"What do you propose that we do with this fuzzy carcass?"

"Dump it in th..."

"Cooookeeee!"

"Oh, Dear lord!"

Cookie monster popped up from a random farbledeefrappohedron and started demanding biscuits.

"Look, Ahriman. The blue ork wants our supplies!" Eldrad exclaimed.

"By God you will not!" Ahriman let out a burst of warp fire from his staff.

A burning, once blue creature pummeled to the earth.

Eldrad got a bit jealous and wanted to show off his magical 'fleet of foot'.

He retreived a die from his pocket and rolled it along the ground.

"Two, okay."

Eldrad took two steps. He then turned to Ahriman, felling very proud of himself. Ahriman just looked with a very bewildered look on his face. Not that you could tell.

Ahriman was still holding Little Elmo when Elmo twitched. Ahriman dropped him in the dirt.

"HAAAARRR HAAAARRR HAAAARRR!"

Elmo arose from the ground. Elmo was nearly 40 feet tall now and it had looked like he had 90 litres of steroids pumped into him. He stomped over to the nearest lake and pulled out a shark.

"DOROFEEEE!"

He then pulled a swiming pool from a backyard and put the shark in it.

Funnily enough, a moment later, he just tripped over a truck and fell onto the Eiffel **_Tau_**er replica that the mentally debilitated Tau had built as compensation for blowing up the first one.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" Elmo twitched, screamed and thumped because of this skewer penetrating his thick skull and only just skewering his miniscule brain. It is miraculous that elmo can live with such a tiny brain. let alone having something puncturing it. Even when Elmo was 40ft tall, his brain was only the size of an ant's abdomen. He then passed away. The shark plopped harmlessley back into the water.

Then Ahriman finished laughing. He looked at Eldrad who was just standing there looking at the twitching corpse of Elmo.

"Such a loss of life. People do not appreciate such a precious gift."

They both burst into laughter.

The laughter was immediatley halted when they realized where they were.

Next Chapter: Sesame Street.

REVIEW OR DIE


	3. and more

CHAPTER TWO of AHRIMELDAR CORP.

A letter came into the mailbox of Eldrad's mental mentality wardrobe hippo hippy funky cool cat groovy if you dig it kinda way tie dyed war free drug smokin' multimedia encyclopedia of Johnny Cash and the twisted rancor trio of the Iyanden horde. Sweet.

Eldrad ran up to Ahriman with the mental mentality wardrobe hippo hippy funky cool cat groovy if you dig it kinda way tie dyed war free drug smokin' miltimedia encyclopedia of Johnny Cash and the twisted rancor trio of the Iyanden horde. Sweet. letter.

Ahriman looked at the letter; looked at Eldrad.

"He he he he ehe ehe ehe he he he he he he."

"Now this is one hell of a hippo hippy (yes, I'll go through it again.) funky cool cat groovy if you dig it kinda way tie dyed war free drug smokin' multimedia encyclopedia of Johnny cash and the twisted rancor trio of the Iyanden horde."

Elrad then replied: "Sweet! Let's bag this son of a obese camel pig cave munt scratch 'n' sniff sticker quarter back toss nut of a fluff ball."

They came back with a certain ELMO MONSTER!

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah aha." Elmo laughed for an unknown reason.

The strange creature pulled a fishbowl out of his pocket. "Dis is so cool; I'nt that right Dorothy?"

"Give me that!" Ahriman whipped the fishbowl from Elmo's prying fingers.

"Noooh! Dorothy!" Elmo yelled in displeasure. "That's not very nice."

Eldrad used mind war on the pathetic goldfish. Everyone knows that goldfish are the stupidest animals to ever swim the earth and so the mind war was to powerful for the animal's incompitent mind. Splurk! The goldfish's head imploded and made the tank water go red.

Elmo's plastic eyes started to fill with tears.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HU HU HU... WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Elmo's crying went on for hours.

"Shut Up

Shut Up

Shut Up

Shut Up

Shut Up." Ahriman repeated as he banged his head on the table constantly.

Eldrad was in a traumatic state. Curled up on the floor shaking,

Eldrad suddenly got an idea. He crawled up to Ahriman and whispered it into his audio receptors.

"Oooooooooh Elllllllllmooooooo."

Elmo's head popped up.

"I have a peice of ahem. Candy."

"Reeeeeeealy?"

"Yup, It's a big, juicy lollypop."

Eldrad then shoved his spear into Elmo's Fat mouth.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Blood spatter went all over the walls. Of coure you could not tell because of Elmo's red fur.

But still, that did not stop the blood from gushing. Both Ahriman and Eldrad

tried to contain the bleeding by sticking a cork in the wound, but the pressure was too intense.

Both Ahriman and Eldrad got coated in blood and it looked like they had stood under 100 pigs that got bled (drained of blood at the slaughterhouse) simultaneousley.

The room started to flood. With blood.

"Make haste Eldrad." Ahriman insisted." If we do not get out soon we will be killed because of the Khorne horde that is headed this way."

There was a khorne horde headed in their direction.

"This is bad." Eldrad said. He pulled out a mobile phone and rang the emergency hotline.

"WHAT!" Answered the operator

"Abaddon, get off the freakin' phone line."

"SORRY. I'LL HANG UP NOW. OKAY. BYE . XXOO!"

"Shut the hell up, retard."

"Operator" Answered the pre recorded operator.

"We need to contact Khorne."

"I'm sorry - horn is not in the directory."

" Khorne " Eldrad said clearer.

" I'm sorry - Bjorn is not in the directory."

" KHORNE!" Eldrad yelled into the phone.

"Quick Eldrad, They're getting closer." Ahriman warned.

"KH-OOR-NE!"

"HELLO, THIS IS KHORNE SERVICE, YOUR BLOOD IS OUR MIDDLE NAME."

"I need to speak to Khorne."

"May I ask who's calling?"

"No."

"Please wait."

At that point, Slipknot music (Heretic Anthem) started being played.

"Come on Eldrad; we haven't the time for this."

They ran out the back door with the dead puppet.

just in time. Smash! Khornate warriors Brought the wall down and started drinking the blood in a mad frenzy, like when you put a bucket of bloody animal cutlets into a pond of pirrahnas.

(I think the term 'What goes up; must come down.' is appropriate here.

I don't get it.)

Look; I'm going to play quake III now if you don't mind. Goodbye

Review constructively now children.

I will continue the story later.


	4. more?

ELDRAD WOZ 'ERE 40001

"Quit it!" Ahriman shoved Eldrad in the back of the head as Eldrad Graffitied in the dirt of the crater.

"This place needs to be vaccumed BADLY."

Eldrad and Ahriman started to do the Beavis and Butthead laugh.

"He Herhe He He-He He Hehe ehe ehhh."

They needed a new establishment for Ahrimeldar corporation.

There was an old abandoned smelting plant up north. It was ugly, it was creepy and it smelled as if some kid had fallen into a pit and died of starvation. As bad as it was, it was better than breaking into a post office every night and risking getting busted by the fuzz.

The duo went in. There was an imperial guardsman inside. BLAM! OOOOkay... There was an imperial guardsman _corpse _inside.

When they turned on the lights, it turned out that it was a big, bad, goat-slaughtering Satanic temple.

People wearing black cloaks came towards them quietly.

A big internal siren went off in overdrive in both Ahriman and Eldrad.

Thinking quickly, they sat down and waited; what for, I do not understand to this day. When they had finished waiting, they went over and played Quake 6064. There was a big room full of computers and they were hooked up via local area network. Ahriman took one one computer and then Eldrad sat down at another.

"Ahriman, Go to the multiplayer screen."

"I already am-"

"Yeah, click on the Lan icon and there should be a game set up there."

"Okay"

"Awww, Damn. Get rid of the rocket launcher Ahriman, you are just killing everyone with it. It's not fair"

"No, I wanna use i-. Aww. Some dude satansboi666 killed me."

"?"

It turned out that the satanists joined the game.

The satanists let Ahriman and Eldrad stay at their humble and somewhat disturbing abode on the condition that they provide them with goats for strange, blood-orientated activities.

Where next?

Why Barney of course.


	5. when will it ever end?

"Such as these foul creatures must be slain mercilessley!"

Ahriman pushed big bird through a mulcher.

"Anyone for chicken mince?"

A strange junior boy with the name of Dunkelberry sat, eating donuts and every so-often would inflict a little wound upon himself. He also suffered from narcolepsy and fell asleep all of a sudden. Then Ernie came over and asked "Why the long face? Hyuk!" Dunkelberry did not reply.

"I know. You are one of them Emo guys arent you?" Dunkelberry then ran away crying. Unfortunatley, his narcolepsy kicked in when he was crossing the road.

A SNUFFALUFFAGUS: An obese queer mammal that is concerning for the general public. Word origins: Universal dumb club; meaning _leader_.

A Snuffaluffagus swung in on an adamantium chain with a total weight of three tons. Unfortunatley 'Snuffy' was too heavy for the chain and broke it when he was swinging over a lake of boiling grease. Ow.

Eldrad then called out "IT IS THE TIME..."

Ahriman concentrated all of his power towards the sky.

There was a rupture in the atmosphere. A giant meteor; that belonging to the Dark Angels fell with great speed and plummeted to the earth and caught alight. Ahriman and Eldrad combined their might to make a shield. "Oh My god, We will all end up in a big smokey bloo-

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crater."


	6. oh thank god last one

BARNEY.

That Big, purple Dinosaur that we all (not quite so affectionatley) know as Barney; (Yes, Mr. I Love everyone Barney) is about to face the Ahrimeldar corp.

CUT!

The camera ceased it's filming as the man in the barney suit took off the giant headpiece. Underneath was the head of an obese man from Kansas who had a unibrow and very little mental capacity. He also dispised children and found their large numbers very concerning in regards to the world's safety.

He imagined swarms of them, coming in with their small eyes, two front teeth missing and little snot trails leading from their noses down to their mouths; all demanding confectionery. Yuk!

The next day, Barney was filming while singing the cursed song that would send a Slaanesh follower to the brink of further insanity. The door was kicked down by Ahriman.

"You didn't need to do that, Ahriman; it's unlocked."

"Oh. Whoops."

Barney spun his head in their direction.

"Destroy the foul xeno!" Shouted Eldrad.

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHH." Barney squealed.

The pursuit had begun.

Barney chucked a barney and ran through an opening in a broken wall which led to a thriving metropolis. White buses drove through the streets, picking up passengers as they went. A man got out of a long car and strode in to a majestic hotel (I do not know how this city lives on in the 41st millenium.)

A street sweeper went through into a coldersac and swept up the garbage as it went. The two characters stepped up to Barney and raised a gun to his back.

"It's called the real world. _Not." _

**BLAM! **


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